Days 73-76

The Wife Speaks (again...behind Gil's back):

Gil's not home. He's out with his buds. Rhys is in bed.  I felt like blogging on his blog since we're in limbo. It gave me time on a Friday night to spend some much needed time in prayer.  I've been distracted lately and caught up with everyday life so I haven't REALLY prayed in a while.  Lots of concerns about the future--Gil's CT scan results and whether we can get on with our lives; the worry of  ever conceiving a child again, etc. Just poured out my heart and deep worries and fears to the Lord.  He's the perfect listener.

And then like a broken dam, tears poured out of me...it was a flood of relief and deep thankfulness to God for sustaining us through Gil's whole chemo treatment.  There were some rough days yes.  But looking back already I can see how much He protected, covered and strengthened us.

Since this all started there was a promise from scripture that I truly believe God was speaking to us as a family to hold on to.  It has consistently come to mind and again tonight:

Isaiah 43

Israel’s Only Savior

 ¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine. ² When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze. ³ 

For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; 

That's it. Gil walked through the fires of chemo, but did not get burned.  God was with us.   He did not suffer the way I thought he would.  I could thank the drugs for that, sure. But ultimately, I choose to thank the Lord.  

Then after that the fears of the 5% chance that things take a turn for the worst came into my head. (Remember, I'm a pessimist by nature.) But then I told God:  "But even if somehow something should go wrong and the cancer comes back or he ends up being terminal, I still have to hold on to hope that "we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."  No matter what, God, even in the face of death, we still have to hope, and hope in You.  What choice do we really have?"          HOPE.  It's the bottom line for all my fears.

Day 67-72 - Final Treatment

Haven't blogged in a while.  I told myself a while ago that I wanted this blog to let people know how I was doing.  Made myself promise to not just blog for the sake of blogging but only when I felt I had something to say.  I spent the last few days resting, hanging with friends and family and finally the big day is here.  Well, I guess one of the big days.  Today is my last treatment.  There are more big days to come.  But tomorrow is the first one I guess.  Then there is the ct scan later in May.  The results.  More scans in months to come.  At the end of it all, you can't live scan to scan wondering if the cancer will come back.  You just gotta live.  I have no idea what the scan in May will say.  I believe that the treatment worked and I have been healed and cured.  But human nature and doubt is a bitch, ain't it?  Spoke to a friend today, who asked how I was dealing with the "post treatment" time.  He asked if the waiting for results would be grinding on my nerves.  I told him that if it did, there would be some dark days ahead.  I'm sure many cancer patients go through that.  The worry, the doubt, the uncertainty.  I hope I learned a little more than that the last few months.  I choose life.  I choose knowledge in knowing that God has given me peace in whatever circumstance that life throws at you.  


About ten years ago, I went on a mission trip to Africa.  I went with my Pastor Darryl, his daughter Nadine and my buddy Dave.  We went hut to hut and told people about Jesus.  That trip changed my life.  I had my video camera with me the whole trip and documented everything on film.  When I came back, I made a highlight video.  It was set to a song by Jars of Clay called Worlds Apart and a song by Third Day called Show Me Your Glory.  Specific lyrics from each of these songs expressed exactly how I felt after the trip. 


To love you, Take my world apart
To need you, I am on my knees
To love you, Take my world apart
To need you, broken on my knees




I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I'll never be the same
Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can't go on without You, Lord
When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won't rest 'til I see You again


There are a few events that happen in my life where I look back and realize that I will never be the same again after what just happened. My world has been shaken or torn apart but for the better.   Some things that come to mind obviously is getting married and the birth of my child.  Add to that list, that missions trip.  And now...cancer.  I know I will never be same.  I even felt that way this Sunday after the most amazing Easter Sunday service at my church.  I felt so moved by everything that happened that I remember saying to myself, wow, I will never be the same after that.  Haha, I used to dread Easter services cause they were so boring, well not at our church.  


I had a date night with June tonite.  We put Rhys to bed and then watched a dvd I rented.  Big date night.  We watched Country Strong- there was this one line of advice in the movie, where Gwenyth Paltrow tells a young up an comer to remember to love as many things as you can, cause that's all that really matters.  I thought that was pretty powerful.  Might add that to my "there's always something more we can do" mantra.  


Will keep everyone posted on the doctors appointments and results as soon as  I get them.  Will announce where the celebration/ post oscars-type bash/ after party will be.  


Peace out dudes (as my daughter would say)

Day 64-66. The beginning of the week

Well the weekend was good but can't say the same for Monday and Tuesday. The drop off from round 4 was tougher than I expected. It's crazy. On one hand, you feel so crappy that you can't get out of bed. Then Rhys crawls into bed beside me and falls asleep and, subconsciously grabs my hand and snores away. I lie there and wonder how I ever would have been able to share these moments had I been healthy.

Wed could not come quick enough. Tue was a blur but now I am back on my feet. Feeling good. The countdown has begun. One more chemo session Tuesday, three more shots from June, one more week of everything tasting like metal. And a clear ct scan in mid May. The road to recovery will be determined by my doctors. I assume it will include a lot of rest and just letting the body heal. I feel like my mind and my soul has had some time to heal in the last little while and it's now the body's turn to catch up. Sometimes it's like having a split personality. Chemo gil wants to sleep all day. Social gil wants to catch up with friends. Coke gil wants to go to work. Funny gil wants to do standup about cancer and my experiences.

 Every morning I wake up and pray and read my devotions and thank God for everything he has done for me and I thank him for so many people that have encouraged me throughout this. Every email, text, card, letter, phone call and just words have truly made it so much easier.  Even times when my buddies would drive all the way out from Port Moody/Coquitlam just to sit with me at chemo and drive me home.

Everyone believes that they are loved and appreciated. But few get to experience love and support like I did. My brother has become my best friend.  My wife and my mom are THE strongest people I know. And my daughter is officially the funniest person in the family because when you ask her what happens when we get an owweee, she says,"Suck it up!"

Day 62 and 63. The Weekend

Best weekend so far of all the day 6 and 7's . Was even able to go to church today.  Thank you Pastor Ken for a great sermon that I am so glad I got to experience live.  Started the neupogen shots again today...boo.  I know, I know, need the white blood cells-  Nurse June had to come out of retirement to stick me with the needle.  Oh well, 6 more shots and 2 chemo treatments and that is it.  I slept pretty much all day on Sat.  Wonder if that is making the difference.  Fatigue definitely a bigger factor this round but the nausea still under control.

Reminder to everyone Easter Service at Tenth Avenue Alliance Church (11 West 10th avenue)  
April 24th- 9:30, 11:30, 7:00pm

We will be at the 11:30 service.

Now back to the canucks game!  As Rhys would say, Go Canucks GO!

Day 61

FRIDAY.  This week flew by and I'm feeling pretty good.  Started reading about chemotherapy recovery. That may not have been a good idea.  A lot of the literature suggested that it is often a difficult time for patients once they stopped getting treatment and waiting for results.  I never even thought about that.  I was just waiting for treatment to be over.  But they say that people often sit in limbo and without the hospital visits, they get depressed and scared. Hmm.  Well, that's not me.  I turned to my devotion this morning and I think I'm going to share the whole thing with you guys.  It definitely spoke to the chemo literature I had read just a few minutes ago.  This is strictly cut and paste from Our Daily Bread:

In April 2010, clouds of ash spewed by a volcano in Iceland closed airports across the UK and Europe for 5 days. Nearly 100,000 flights were canceled and millions of passengers around the world found themselves in an enormous holding pattern on the ground. People missed important events, businesses lost money, and no one knew when it would end.

When our plans fall apart and there is no remedy, how do we deal with frustration and delay? Isaiah 26:3-4 is an anchor for our souls in every storm of life: “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in [Jehovah], the Lord, is everlasting strength.” Whether we’re facing annoying inconvenience or heartbreaking loss, this rock-solid promise is worth memorizing and repeating every night when we close our eyes to sleep.

Today, when plans are shattered, do our minds dwell on the circumstances or on the Lord? During frustrating delay, can we still trust the loving heart of God? In the hymn “Like a River Glorious,” Frances Havergal so beautifully expressed what we long for.

Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.
Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest,
Finding as He promised, perfect peace and rest. —Havergal

When we put our problems in God’s hands,
He puts His peace in our hearts.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You. —Isaiah 26:3

Four Rounds of Chemo

Tons of Drugs

Nausea

Fatigue

How did I handle it?  Pretty good.  Why?  This pic was all the motivation I needed to get through.

Day 60

Blogging from the chair. The beauty of technology. So cancer patients aren't suppose to be complainers. At least I try not to be. But two days in a row I'm in the room with no bathroom and I am so pumped with fluids that I usually have to go pee 8 times during my treatment. It also doesn't help that the everytime I go wheel my IV down to the communal bathroom to pee, it's always after someone has poo'd. Haha. Guess I am complaining. Well. One more day this week TGIF. I don't know what it is about a big Canuck win that seems to be helping me with nausea. Kick save off the post Luongo-are you serious? Sic.

Day 58 and 59

Tuesday and Wednesday done!  Two more sessions this week.  Brought Rhys down today to chemo for the first time.  I figured it was my last round.  She should see where daddy goes to get his owwee fixed.

Then June and Rhys tagged out and left to go home and nap and Chris came in for relief duty and stayed and then drove me home.











Doing a little advertising for Vera's Burgers on Denman.  First place I'm gonna go eat after doc gives me the ok.  Go see my boy Charles- best burgers in town!

Go Canucks Go!

Chemo Countdown- 4 more sessions!