I came to a bit of a realization that I wanted to share. This happened in my men's group bible study on Friday. We were discussing how our busy lives affect our family life and how we love our spouses and kids. Something quite unique has happened since cancer. I didn't really think about it until recently.
As fathers, there are a few things we all do. We love to give ourselves major credit when we are able to handle our kids without our wives. I used to think, wow, I did it, I put Rhys to bed. The entire process- dinner, bath, brushing teeth, storytime and finally to bed. I am amazing. Or, I just took Rhys out to shopping or to the library...I am super dad. Then you begin to realize that the things you want to be awarded a medal for- your wife does on a day to day basis...without any fanfare. Before cancer, I would come home tired, and not want to put Rhys down or play games or just give her the attention she wanted. For 9 months I was with her everyday, waking and sleeping. Something changed. I will be the first to admit that it is tougher to read my bible as much as I did when I was off on treatment. It's been easier to pray- but that's because there seems to be so much to pray for. Both thanksgiving and seeking God's wisdom. My relationship with June has somewhat changed. We still argue like any two married people. Our patience ebbs and flows. One thing that hasn't changed is Rhys. I absolutely love spending time with her. No matter how tired I am from work, or how difficult she is being, I welcome every second with her. I know it's a weird thing to lay claim to, as all parents should love their kids and want to spend time with them. But it's hard sometimes. Life gets busy, meltdowns happen and there are still sleepless nights. I really can't explain it. Whether she is crying, laughing, peeing all over the place or sleeping. I can't get enough of this child. My patience is short sometimes for work things, wife things, friends and just the general public. But for Rhys, I have all the time in the world. I find it strange...definitely a change from before. I spend a 5 hour plane ride from Toronto to Vancouver last week. A baby 2 rows in front cried for 4 and half hours of the flight. It didn't even faze me. Crying babies- music to my ears. I am a freak right? Maybe hundreds of games of candyland later. Or reading the same Olivia book every night will soon take its toll. But tonight, Rhys and I went to superstore to shop. June was out and it was daddy/daughter hangout day. We ran up and down all over superstore and bought a portable kids toilet seat( yes mostly for peeing in chinese restaurant bathrooms), some bubble bath and crackers. As we drove home, Rhys goes.."daddy, i love hanging out with you". I know it won't always be like this...she is going to grow up and things may change. But I will cherish every moment that I have with her. I wish I could be like this for other areas of my life.
Got a blood test this week and then another cancer checkup at the end of the month. No matter how hard you try to block it from your mind, the weeks leading up to checkup sucks. Every aching back pain makes you wonder if it was the same pain you felt when you got diagnosed. But then I keep thinking about what Job said to his wife when she told him to curse God and die and get it over with. "You are a talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"
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