Day 46

Ok- I have a confession to make.  I went to work today.  Yup, I said it.  I'm not going to lie.  I was alive.   Haha.  Well, I went to work to visit today.  It was good to see everyone.  Weird to be a bystander.  But still good to be in the presence of Coke.  You sometimes don't realize how much time you actually spend with you co-workers.  Acquaintances become friends, friends become life long buds.  I think I spend more time talking to some guys at work than my own wife. She don't understand!  Weird isn't it.  I talk about the Coke family and people look at me like I am nuts or a cult member.  It really is a family.  You go through so much together, the job is just byproduct.  It's about the relationships and experiences you have along the way.  Still remember Kary and Tony training me as a rookie(red, black, silver, green, red, black, silver, green).  That seemed like yesterday when the short chubby asian kid didn't know to put the can of coke zero between the can of coke and diet coke.  Back then, I just wanted to drink the can of coke, not care where it went.  Nowadays I can spot a can out of place 100 feet away in a food court cooler.  Yup- working for coke is a disease- one in which there is no cure.  pepsi who?

Day 45

Due to my rough days, Rhys had to spend the last few days at mother's house.  When I went there today, she looked sad and said, "I don't like you."  I was devastated.  It's only been a few days- had she forgotten me already? When she finally realized that I wasn't there to take her away from grandma's she said, "I miss you dadda.  I love you." (Yes, apparently grandma's house is THAT much fun).  Sometimes I feel like I have the memory of a child.  I re-read some of my old blogs the other day.  I was surprised at some of the things that I wrote.  Maybe that's why it was important to keep a record.  I find myself having some short term memory loss of certain things.  Today as I prayed for my family and friends and various cancer patients, I found myself asking God about the future.  What does it hold for me?  I found the answer in the bible.  Where God told Joshua that he will be faithful and do what he said he would do.


⁵ No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5

I took those words to heart.  More than anything, I want this experience that I have gone through to mean something.  To mean more than just a guy who got cancer and got cured.  I want it to mean that while I  was being cured, I renewed a relationship with a God who loves me and my family and my friends.  A God that I want to share with others that do not know him.  Deep down inside, June and I are preparing for a storm brewing in our lives.  A storm where other loved ones of ours will encounter hardship, disease, pain and suffering.  We want to be there and offer the support that we have gotten. A peace that transcends all understanding and logic.

Since I found out I had cancer- I have thought of death twice.  The first time was the sheer panic of the news, and death was a natural thought.  The second time was today- when I thought about my death, being a far and long way from now.  I have a lot more work to do.


I have been reading this book on awesome:  silly things, wanted to share some that brought a smile to my face.

little things we overlook, but are awesome;

1. flipping the pillow to the cool side in the middle of the night
2. when babies high five you or give you a pound
3. being the first table called at a wedding buffet

Day 44 (Monday- Day 8 Round 3)

Last year around this time, June and I were enjoying the spoils of a work incentive I had won through Coke.  We had taken our talents to  South Beach, Miami- enjoying a Raptors road trip and checking out tennis at the Sony Ericsson open.  Hanging out with our bud Esther.   What a difference a year makes.

Last year I was enjoying life and this year, I appreciate life.  Similar but not the same.  Well this has been a tougher Monday but tomorrow is another day.  I know many people are praying for my recovery in this round.  Many thanks.  Slowly but surely... the toxins will leave the body.

Day 43 (Round 3 Day 5- and the weekend)

Ah the weekend.  Something most people look forward too.  Not so in my case.  But Friday was fine and so far Saturday has been ok.  The nurses said I should load up on the optional nausea meds.  To help with the drop off of the 5 days chemo.  So I did today- no hero stuff of trying to avoid pills.  Just gotta get through Sunday and hope things get back to normal on Monday like they did Round 1 and 2.  Here's to getting through the weekend!  I am always trying to figure out words to describe day 6 and 7.  I've been told: Vague, or Droopy- just an out of body experience where you just don't feel quite right.  Oh well, I got one more round to find the right description for this most peculiar feeling.

Day 42 (Round 3- Day 4)

Thursday done, Friday today- still feeling good.  I heard a nurse say to a patient the other day as he was done his last chemo treatment.  She said, "It was nice to meet you, I hope I never see you [in here] again!"  Probably one of the nicest things I have heard in that chemo ward. I can't wait till they say that to me!   Probably one of the few situations where you can get away with saying something like that.

I finish up day 5 today.  Then there is day 8 and 15 and round 3 will be done.  I consider the end of this weekend the end of round 3.  Day 8 and 15  are usually fine.  It is this weekend that I am weakest.  But round 3 hasn't felt much different- perhaps a little more fatigue and maybe I am used to the little bouts of nausea and the hiccups now.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  The end of round 4. 

When I started chemotherapy, I began making a list of people on my blackberry of every person I met during chemo treatment.  Their family and friends that came as support people.  Also the doctors and nurses that have been treating me.  The list is pretty long now.  I pray for them almost daily- for healing and peace.  I know some of them are praying for me in their own religion and faith.  This cancer community is huge.  Everytime I walk through that 6th floor building, it doesn't matter who you share an elevator with- everyone is there to fight.  Fight on their own behalf or working to fight for someone else.  Fighting for someone they may not even know.  Someone who doesn't even have cancer yet, but will one day benefit from their research and hard work.  The nurses keep telling me that the protocol that I am in right now, was changed for the better merely 6 months ago.  Meaning if I was going through chemo earlier, I would be having a way worse time.  Timing is everything and everything happens for a reason.  I truly believe that, more than ever now. 

Thank you Sandra and James for The Book of Awesome- looks like an interesting read!


gil

Day 41

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

Mmm...breakfast of champions.

Rhysotron and the Aldenator

The best day of Aaron's life.(so far)

Dora, Boots,  my mom and Rhys-chillin on the new couch.














June takes her camera everywhere and it's amazing the moments she captures.  Rhys sits on my lap and we go through them and she names all her friends and her aunties and uncles.  Father/daughter bonding at its best.  She will also point out pics where I used to have hair and ask what happened daddy?  I wonder where she gets her sarcasm from?

Day 40

Maybe it's because I am officially past the halfway mark.  In fact, tomorrow is wed, which will put me over the halfway mark of round 3.  I am looking at putting this week in the books asap and then it's on to the last cycle.  So today in chemo, I began to daydream.  Let me take you for a walk in the twisted mind of Gil.

My daydream started off with what Coke accounts I was going to win back when I get back to work.  When I went to the Langley Event Center, I was very impressed with what my team had done there.  I started thinking about changes at work and how to carry out efficiencies and bring up the market share on my side of the business. (Now while my boss and partner in crime at work might smirk at this daydream- the rest of you just think I'm nuts...please read on)

After the coke fantasy, my mind started wandering about what kind of foods I would eat after the treatment is over and I am given a clean bill of health.  Maybe that double filet at Macdonalds.  A ribeye steak at Outback Steakhouse.  Any kind of fried chicken I could get my hands on.  Not to mention hanging out with so many of you guys out there- whilst eating all this food.  (It's touring season, Justin Cho! You wit me?  You too Dave- Shanghai Breakfast, Noon and Dinner!)

After food, it was onto experiences.  Maybe New York in the fall with June.  Perhaps bring Rhys to Disneyland.  Go work for Coke in London 2012 ( Paul- please put in a good word with Wayne for me).

Then the daydream/fantasy became a reality check.  I have been blessed in this journey.  Blessed to have strengthened my relationships with family and friends.  Blessed to be able to tell everyone that I am handling this ordeal so well because of having a personal relationship with my saviour, Jesus Christ.  I am closer to June than ever before.  I love Rhys even more than I thought was humanly possible for a father to love their child.  Yet realizing that God loves me even more than that and he shows me that every day.  I began to think about how I am going to get involved in this fight against cancer.  Volunteering my time and resources to the cause.  Sharing my story and comfort to others around me that are or will be encountering this disease.

As you all know, I am a man that thrives under pressure and loves to multi-task.  As I take this time off to fight the cancer, I am also taking time off to rest my body and mind and soul.  I plan to come back leaner, faster, smarter (I know that may be a stretch), and braver.  My new perspective on life will allow to me make a bigger difference-  a bigger difference at work, at home, and in society.  I learned a few days ago that Coke donated over 7 million dollars US to the Japan Relief fund.  It made me proud to work for the company that his been so supportive in my time of need.  Everyone that has stepped in to do my job- to an understanding boss that wants me back-only when I'm ready.

I learned today in my bible devotion that God is bigger than I could ever hope or dream. So it's ok to dream big.  But I started small.  I have met dozens of fellow cancer patients and when I see them again, I tell them that they have been in my prayers.  I sometimes pray for them right there in the room.  I see that it brings some of their spirits up...small steps...will lead to bigger ones.

Day 39

Well the nurses in cancer ward were torn emotionally when they heard the news that the doctors added a round 4.  I think they were sad that I had to endure another round but so happy that they get to have me around longer.  They tried to hide their excitement as I'm sure hoping that patients get more chemo is probably not open protocol. Haha.  But I could see the secret joy in their eyes.  I have accused them more than once of slowing the iv drip on me so they can have me around longer.  What you gonna do right?  I took this picture myself today.  This is gil at chemo:


I look good right?  My nurse today said I looked pretty good for a guy entering round 3.  She sees a lot of patients and I don't think she was trying to make me feel better.  Maybe it's because I haven't lost a ton of weight.  I think some people equate that to chemotherapy.  If you are a shell of your former self, then the chemo must be hitting you hard.  But if you are still chubby like me, then you are doing ok.  Hmmm.  I just had more fat to chemo weight loss ratio.  I started with a bigger base than chemo is used to breaking down.  So 10-15 pounds weight loss on me just looks like I wore a bigger shirt that day I guess.  And the bald head makes me look fatter.  Oh well, it's a restricted diet this week so more pounds are coming off.  Going down a few weight classes from light heavyweight to welterweight before all is done.  So instead of fighting Anderson Silva, I would be fighting George St. Pierre.  Nice.

Day 38

Having all this time on my hands, you would think that I have pretty much run through every scenario in my mind.  I think I have.  Everything from what I am going to do once I get a clean bill of health- to what happens if things take a turn for the worse.  Thinking about the future of myself, my family and my friends have lead me to many different revelations about life and how I used to live it.  And how I choose to live it now.  Yesterday, I realized that I need to stay in the present and not be so focused on the future.  When it comes to medical treatment, I have been taking it day by day.  On a personal level, I wonder if I have been too closed off.  


My cousin and my aunt came over to visit.  My aunt is my dad's oldest sister.  As soon as she came into my place, tears of joy began to well.  She was so happy to see that I was still chubby and looked relatively the same.  She said she was so relieved to see that I wasn't frail looking.  She said her prayers were answered and her heart was at peace now that she had seen me in person.  Her husband, my uncle, has difficulty walking in his old age and is confined at home.  So I went home with my aunt to see my uncle.  He immediately began to tear up as I walked in the door.  He said the same thing to me- how much better he felt as soon as he saw me.  He said, except for the bald head, I looked pretty much the same.  Later that night, I went to the AAA boys basketball final with a buddy.  I ran into my co-worker Kary there.  He had a big smile on his face when he saw that I was doing well.  He told me he was gonna call up some of the guys from work and let them know.  The relief that I saw on those 3 faces yesterday made me realize that there are a lot of people out there worried about me.  Cancer will always bring about that kind of worry.  I think I need to be more intentional in meeting up with people and giving a live status report.  I guess it's easy to hide behind a blog or post a pic here and there and expect people to think I am ok.  I start day 1 of round 3 tomorrow.  Day 6 and 7 are usually my worst days and days 7-10 is when I need to watch myself around germs and public places.  Outside of that, I want to make sure people in my life know I am ok by actually seeing me.  It is all about the NOW- not the later.   I suggested to June maybe we should throw a big party this week and invite everyone.  She said no.  No party, but definitely a coffee or a phone call might be cool. 




Matthew 6:34-  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.


My prayer:  Dear God, I thank you for surrounding my life with such amazing people.  Great friends and family members that I love and who love me back.  I realize that many of them are worried about cancer and what it is doing to me.  I pray Lord that you give them peace.  The same peace that June and I have experienced through your love and grace the last few months.  The peace that comes from knowing You.  This peace I now ask to be over my friends and family.  A peace that they can also come to experience in their own lives, when they are faced with trials and hardships.  Thank you Lord for your love that transcends all understanding.  I pray in the name of Your Son, Jesus, Amen.

Day 37

I went to see the doctor today.  It was the pre-chemo check-up.  Making sure that I was well enough to continue treatment starting Monday.  My white blood cell count is healthy and normal and my blood work looks good.  So onward to round 3 we go.  Picked up a small skin infection so I am on antibiotics for that.  The doc says until chemo is over and they do another ct scan and chest xray, there is nothing definitive they can tell me.  But the blood work being normal is a good sign.  Overall they are quite pleased with how well I am responding and how well my body is holding up.  It's these appointments with the oncologists that really mess with your head.  My track record isn't good when it comes to news from them so your mind can't help but wonder.  It's hard not to have doubt creep in there.

1st meeting with oncologist- he told me that we won't know anything till after the ct scan
2nd meeting with oncologist- he told me that I didn't have cancer
3rd meeting with oncologist- he told me that now the cancer is back and we need to start chemo asap
4th meeting with oncologist- he told me he is adding 4th round of chemo
5th meeting with oncologist- he told me that I have 0.1% white blood cells which is very dangerous
6th meeting(yesterday) with oncologist- you have small infection but overall things are good

So you can see, so far, the good news to bad news ratio isn't great.  At the end of the day, I go in with a positive attitude and we deal with whatever news we  get.  I guess the important meeting will be the one where he declares me cancer free in a few months.  I do have to say that this experience has given me a new found respect for the medical profession.  These people are miracle workers.  Everyone from the receptionist to the nurses to all the doctors- they play such a crucial part in making sure sick people are taken care of not only medically but also emotionally as well.  Much love to my friends who are in the medical profession; Deb, Kelly, Prince, Kate, Tai, and my cousin, Kelvin.  Thank you for dedicating your lives to making people feel better.

Day 35 and 36

There is a story in the bible about this guy name Job.  It's one of my favorite books in the bible.  This man gets tested by Satan and never ever turns his back on God.  The verse I love is when he is stripped of everything he has, his family, his wealth, and his health, he proclaims: "Naked I come from the womb and naked I will return, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, may the name of the Lord be praised!"  That's true faith and dedication.  I told myself when I got sick that I would try to be like Job.  To have his faith and resolve in times of crisis.  His friends come over and spend time with him in his darkest days.  It's a powerful book.  I've had a pretty busy week.  This is the week that I feel the strongest before heading into the 3rd cycle of chemo.  I am trying to do as many things as my body will allow before next week hits and I get run down again.  I've prepared my taxes, worked on our finances and began preparing my will.  Everyone calm down, the will is me being prudent and responsible, not me being morbid- I will not have to use it for many, many years to come.

I am thankful to so many of my friends that have taken time out of their busy lives to drive me around; taking me to movies, the mall, or the pharmacy for drugs.  All the people that have come over to hang out and help me watch Rhys when June is at work.  Just trying to make sure life is comfortable for me and that things aren't crazy hectic around me.  June and I talk about how we hope to be a blessing and support to our friends in time of need in the future just like they have been to us.  I am also grateful for those who drive me to chemo or come down to sit on the uncomfortable plastic chair while I am lounging in the cushioned recliner.  I know chemotherapy treatment is not supposed to be pleasant but having someone there sometimes makes all the difference.  I see the same patients each time and some of them come in alone, never having any support person there and I wonder if they are alone.  Do they have anyone to talk to or just to be there for them at home and out of treatment?  I try to strike up conversation and be a support person as I am stuck with the IV myself.  June always says that when she comes to pick me up, all she has to do is stand in the hallway and listen for the loudest chemo room- and that is usually the one I am in.  Yes, I am the life of the party even in chemo, haha.

 Inappropriate story of the week- I went to deposit a large cheque yesterday at TD trust and the teller said they had to hold it for 7 business days because of the amount.  I said no problem but I am not working and on medical leave so what if I needed the money sooner for medical reasons?  This guy then asks me if I was in an accident or something?  I said no, I am critically ill and off on short term disability.  He asked me what that meant.  So I told him that it meant I have cancer (hoping he would release the funds quicker).  Instead he asked me what kind of cancer did I have? I am not even joking.  I told him that's kinda personal, he said sorry and then still didn't release  my funds.  It was a weird conversation.  I was about to tell him I have the cancer that is none of your damn business.  But the new and improved Gil took the high road and just laughed it off.  Can you say, "sensitivity training?"

Inappropriate story of the week #2- I went to go see Battle Los Angeles with Chris the other day and as we walked into the theatre, there was a couple there in the front row beside the handicap seats with what looked like a 2 year old girl.  We shook our heads at them.  They brought their 2 year old to a violent movie.  The front row no less.  She would see all the scary previews and hear the gazillion gunshots/bombings throughout the movie.  I was mortified.  When the movie ended, we walked past them and the baby was asleep in the mother's arms.  Thank God.  I hate to be judgmental here...how about waiting for it to come out in dvd and rent it.  Sheesh.

Day 33 and 34

Last day of treatment for round 2.  I guess I am unofficially halfway through treatment.  Rest for next 6 days and Monday is round 3.  I went with Rhys to gym class today.  Found out she has my attention span and also follows orders from teachers much like I did in school.  Not very!  It was cool to hang out with all the other moms and their kids.  The whole place smelled like feet.  All this chemo and no nausea...until today- and it was from a kids foam pit.  Haha.

My mom and dad took me to treatment today.  I think it was good for them to see what's been going on.  I will try and take a picture and post it in the future so you can get a visual of what chemo looks like.   It's not as bad as people think.

The other day, I spoke to my aunt and she told me she loved me.  It could be the first time anyone in my immediate or  extended family has ever said that to me.   Chinese people don't really throw that word around...ever.  I got a lump in my throat.  Rhys tells me she loves me all the time, just randomly out of the blue she will bust out a, "I luv u dada!" but she will follow that up with a, "are you my daddy?" Ah the joys of having a little girl.

some pics of us at gym class:

Day 32

The last day for shooting myself up (well, June stabbing me with the needle) with neupogen, the white cell booster.  I have been jabbed with so many needles, I am beginning to look like a druggie.  Yet I am still scared of that needle. Go figure.  At least now the back and bone pain will slowly disappear and after Monday's treatment, it's rest up to Round 3.  I have to say, every nurse and doctor I talk to tells me that I am responding to the treatment and handling the side effects, better than most.  The chemotherapy literature is very clear in stating that whether you get sick from the side effects or not is absolutely no indicator of whether the treatment is working.  That's a relief.  Whoever in blogworld is reading this- thank you.  We know that I am not the healthiest guy out there.  I truly believe that I am holding up physically so well,  because of so many of your prayers and thoughts.  The doctors say attitude affects more than we know when it comes to treatment.  When I walk into that chemo room I never feel alone.  It's like that AT & T commercial where the guy has tons of people behind him representing the network.  That's how I feel.  Like every single one of you is crammed in that room with me, bugging the nurses, asking the doctors, looking at the meds--making sure I am ok.  Does this cancer really have a chance?

On a separate note--how good are the Canucks, seriously.  They are never out of it no matter what the score is.  I like that kind of attitude.  Never out of it, no matter what.

New nicknames to add to the list:

1. Dr. Evil
2. Mini me
3.  The guy from the Nintendo game punchout (what's his name?)
4. Demi Moore in GI Jane
5. Dr Xavier( and his school for the gifted)
6. Dude from The Adam's family
7. Sinead O' Conner
8. Ross's girlfriend in Friends- Bonnie

Day 31

Family.  I have always had a pretty good relationship with my family.   I have a younger brother and sister.  We fought a lot as kids but always had each other's backs.  My parents ran a restaurant and they worked long hours so we took care of each other.  Since the diagnosis, my family has pretty much been my unofficial cancer base camp .  June has obviously been amazing in making sure I am taken care of and so many friends have helped out or offered help.  But my family is the brain trust.

At the cancer clinic,  I have a team of medical staff that makes sure I am ok medically;  my oncologists, chemo nurses, pharmacists, procedure nurses, blood work staff.  Outside of the clinic, my family has been the other team.  My mom has unofficially become a Chinese oncologist.  The medical breakthroughs she comes up with daily is both mind boggling  and hilarious.  I call her Dr. Yeung.  My dad and mom, brother and sister (and bro in law) take turns watchin Rhys when I can't or when June is at work.  Not only watch her but they teach her things and spoil her and run around with her when I can't.  My brother and sister take me to chemo sometimes and drive me around.  They shop for us.  Get me whatever my weird taste buds are craving.  My mom cooks her "cancer healing" meals, and makes me soup everyday--a special soup that is supposed to boost my immune system.  I haven't had the guts to share this with my oncologists.  Do the cancer researchers know about this?  Should they add it to the protocol?  We spend quality time as a family.  Intentional quality time.  I know my mom is scared.  She doesn't understand all the medical jargon that I tried to explain.  I keep telling her I'm gonna be ok.  But like any mother, her heart is broken because her son is sick.  I pray that the peace that I have in my situation is transfered over to them.  That they feel the peace from God as well.

Usually it's tragedy that brings families together.  Don't wait for that.  Call your family, spend time with them.  I can't imagine going through this without them.

Day 30

I never did too much drugs when I was younger.  Well, I am definitely making up for that now.  For those of you following my progress, my faith in God is the core of my well being.  But I believe faith and medicine go hand in hand.  I pray everyday for my doctors and cancer research.  I believe God created the cures and gives wisdom and understanding to these amazing researchers in fighting this disease and many others.  Not just sitting here waiting to sacrifice a goat to beat cancer.  On that note, lets take a look at what is in Gil's body, shall we.

The Big 3: My main chemo meds (same ones used to treat lance)
1. Etoposide
2. Cisplatin
3. Bleomycin

Anti Nausea:
4. Ondansetron
5. Emend-Aprepitant
6. Apo-Prochlorazine
7. Dexamethasone

Hiccups and reflux:
8. Ran-Raberprazole
9. Zantac

White blood cell generation:
10. Neupogen
11. Tylenol 3 (for neupogen side effects)

11 is my favorite number. Haha

On another medical note.  It has been decided that due to my blood tumor markers when I was first diagnosed, my blood levels were right on the cusp on whether to get 3 rounds of chemo or 4 according to protocol.  After some discussion, my oncologist and I have decided to continue on with a 4th round and leave no stone unturned. Some of my buddies will say it's the cheap guy in me trying to squeeze as much treatment as I can to get my money's worth.  They know me so well.

Round 4 of chemo...I say bring it on, or as Rocky said..."1 more round!"

Day 29

Day 7-10 is generally when my immune system is the weakest.  My white blood cell is very low and I am more susceptible to infection.  Yesterday evening I began to feel my temperature rise and started to check it every half hour.  Under protocol, if I hit 38 degrees, I may have an infection that my body cannot fight and I may have to go to emergency for observation.  Thermometer kept rising, 36, 36.5, 37, 37.6.  June was going to be home in an hour and I began to make preparations to go to the hospital.  She came home and I told her the situation.  We stopped and prayed and asked God to drop my fever.  We prayed that His healing hand would come over me and take care of me in my weakened state.  Half an hour later I checked my temperature again.  37, 36.5, 36 and finally normal.  Funny how you really don't miss something till its gone.  Who would think that I would miss my white blood cells so much, eh?

Here's a pic of me and Rhys proof reading my blog.

Thanks for the giant card from work guys!  Long live Coke Zero!

Day 28

Woke up feeling almost brand new.  What a difference a day makes.  My friend Will sent this to me today.  Just what I needed to hear, let's see if this works:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGNA2_2WhpA

and if you can't get this link- it's a song from one of my favorite artists, David Crowder- here are the lyrics.

Powerful.

How He Loves:


He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...

...thanks Will


Funny story of the day:  As my wife continues her career as my nurse by stabbing me with the syringe daily, I knew things were too good to be true. Today, she forgot to squeeze the part of my arm that she was supposed to poke and then went and tried to jab me with the needle anyways.  I screamed in pain as the needle didn't quite make it all the way.  Nevertheless, the needle only went partially in and then she had to start all over again.  She apologized profusely as I lay there whimpering and crying about being stabbed not once but twice today.  Can't anything go right in my life?  Squeeze arm then stab, not stab then squeeze.  Any nurses out there willing to offer their professional services? Somebody about to be fired!

Day 27

I'm back.  Though day 7 of the cycle seems to be the toughest, I seem to be doing ok.  I am surrounded with reminders of life lately.   I just found out our friends had their baby in Costa Rica.  I just got news the other day of my other good friends being pregnant with their first child.

Even around the treatment ward, there are talks amongst the patients about where we are going to celebrate once we beat this thing.  We talk about restaurants and food that we are currently restricted from eating.  Even the nurses lift us up with stories of accomplishments from patients once they are done with chemo.  It's easy to sit here and sulk or complain about the pain but focusing on the positives is so much more therapeutic.  I met a lady the other day that was diagnosed with liver and colon cancer- she was given a few years at best.  Once she started the chemo, it began to shrink all her tumors at such an alarming rate that she is now expected to make a full recovery and in record time.  She told me that she never gave up no matter what the doctors said.

I pray Lord to let me focus on the light, rather than the darkness

John 9:1-5

Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

 ¹ As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. ² His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”   ³ “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. ⁴ As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. ⁵ While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

Day 26

THE WIFE SPEAKS:

Having been through 5 consecutive days of chemo this week (2nd round), Gil's feeling pretty weary today.  Not like his usual self.  So he's asked me to write his blog this day.

Hmmm. The only time I've typed on this blog is to edit Gil's writing.  Awesome writing.  Horrendous spelling and punctuation mistakes.  It drives him crazy whenever I correct him.  Well it drives me crazy whenever he makes grammar mistakes! =)

Anyhow, my own thoughts on all this?

Yes, like Gil said, this has all been surreal.  It's all happened so fast.

I was devastated when I first heard.  I cried.  Not in front of him (b/c he feels helpless when I cry) but after getting off the phone with him.  Called a good friend to cry on her shoulder.  Even though it was an excellent prognosis I was afraid for what he was going to have to go through with the chemo.  Sounded dreadful.

But after that we did what we knew we could only do-- speak to God together about it, give Him our fears/anxieties, read His words  and encourage each other.  Having the doctors and nurses walk us through the course of treatment eased my fears as well.

There have been 2 journeys for us thus far--the outward journey of the daily routine and the inward journey of processing all this with God.

The outward journey has been for the most part pretty normal, apart from all the drives to the clinic. Honestly, so far, the only times it gets hard for me is when Rhys is not cooperating.  (For Gil, well let's face it, cancer/chemo isn't a walk in the park.)  Gil not vomiting 16 straight hours, like many patients have had to suffer through, is a joyous and grateful relief. But when little miss Rhys throws a tantrum it can get TAXING.  But to be fair to her, it's only been few and far between, albeit very recent!  But a GINORMOUS thanks to Gil's mom (and rest of family) for taking care of Rhys whenever we need their help.  She'll go to no one else without us.

You wouldn't even know by looking at Gil that he has cancer, except now with his martian head...and on days like today when all Gil can do is sleep.  But without a shadow of a doubt, what is keeping our outward life so "normal" and positive is what God has been doing in us inwardly--answering your prayers and ours.  A million thank you's! You've caught a glimpse of it through some of the verses/songs he's shared.  It ain't us, that's fo sho.  Everything Gil said about himself is THE truth! My husband is an extremely paranoid worry wart by nature. If I could only show you all the posters he's put on our front door to remind me of stuff to do and not do!  Me? I'm way more laid back but still easily prone to despair and pessimism.  So for us to be so calm is really a testament to God.

Gil has quoted so many great words that have been our anchor.  I will add one more...one that came to mind while Rhys was falling asleep in my arms before bedtime tonight.  This one is dedicated to my man... for this very day.

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."       Isaiah 40: 28-31

LIVESTRONG!
GILSTRONG!

Day 25

Statistics show that cure rates in cancer for children are higher than in adults.  Now the medical profession has a lot of theories on why.  I like to think its because the children are pure.  They may not have experienced all the hardships and failures and disappointments that we adults have.  They are not bogged down by the what ifs and details.  Therefore, they truly possess faith in its purest form.  Trusting in parents, doctors and even God.  Attitude and mindset they say in the cancer community is huge in how you cope with the disease.  Do I possess this pure state of faith in leaving everything to God?  Like a child?

Fatigue is beginning to increase in round 2.  Next couple of days will be a telling tale.  But I still feel very good.  Round 2 is almost in the books, just day 8 and 15 left.  Today I pray for patience.  Waiting for God. Waiting on God.  Waiting to hear God.

Psalm 27:14 

¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD.

Day 24

This week flew by.  I was in the same room again as the 71 year old chinese lady in treatment today.  We continued to communicate despite my broken mandarin.  I had to translate her birthday for the nurses today.  She told me again not to smoke as it gave her lung cancer.  I promised her I wouldn't.  Then she looked me straight in the eye and said, "You look strong.  You are going to beat this.  I know you are going to survive!"

I looked her right back in the eye and said, "So are you!"

God gives me brand new strength each day, and today, it came in the form of a fragile chinese lady that smoked for 41 years and now is the cancer ward's unofficial spokesperson against the ills of tobacco and nicotine.   Go figure.




Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. - Deuteronomy 31:6 




True funny story of the day: After I got hooked up on my IV and meds, a different patient in the room looked over at me and asked if I was in there for cancer treatment.  I didn't even flinch.  "No, No, manicure, pedicure. You?" I asked.  Yes, I am the funniest guy in chemo.

Day 23

I know the word cancer is a loaded word,  unless preceeded by the words-" I don't got..." But maybe this will shine a little bit of light on how treatment works - after talking to some of you- I think you may be under the impression that I am in some hyperbaric chamber in a ward at the hospital hooked up to electrodes and a myriad of machines beeping and such. Well- sorry to burst that bubble- I am sitting in a hospital recliner in my sweats and monster baseball cap and typing on my blackberry.  I am still well enough to drive myself to chemo but I usually bum rides because I am too cheap to pay for parking. ( Haha- that's right- OCM-operational cost management)

A day in chemo for gil:

1. Arrive at cancer clinic 10:00--today Jay Mark dropped me off

2. I was early so went to see nutritionist and asked a few questions

3. Go to the 6th floor for chemo and check in

4. They tell me what room to go- it's usually 4 patients to a room- but seldomly full- mostly 3 people

5. The nurse then verifies who I am and sticks an IV in on my arm ( I try not to cry like a baby)

6. The menu du jour

- 1 bag of saline hydration-1 hour

- chemo drug A-- 30 mins

- chemo drug B-- 45 mins

- bag 2 of saline hydration--30 mins

- done- go home to rest

During all this- I read or chat with the other patients, nurses and whoever comes as my support person that day.  I meet new people each day.  Today I met a 71 year old chinese lady with lung cancer that told me that she smoked for 46 years.  She then told me to not smoke and asked what kind of soup my mother was making me to drink.

"I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands." Kerrie Roberts-from the song No Matter What.

Day 22

My daughter Rhys prays every night before she goes to bed with whoever puts her down.  Her prayers sound like this: "Dear Jesus, thank you for__________"(she proceeds to mention everyone she saw that day) then ends the prayer with:"Thank you for mommy and daddy for taking care of me. And please heal my daddy's owee, in Jesus name, AMEN."

Yesterday, I told her that I was going to the hospital to get some medicine for my owee.  About half an hour after I left, June called as I was in the waiting room.  She said that Rhys started crying hysterically and clung for dear life to her and would not let go.  When June asked her what was wrong, the only thing she could blurt out was, DADDY, in between sobs.  So June asked her what she wanted to do.  She said she wanted to pray for daddy, so they did and she stopped crying.  I am beginning to realize that kids soak up a lot more than we realize.  I tell her something once and it gets ingrained.

Today, we asked her to pray for daddy's owee and she said this:  "Dear Jesus, thank you for Daddy's owee. Amen."  At first I thought, well that isn't right.  Not thank you, haha, wrong use of the past participle adjective noun thing.  But then I thought more about it.  What have we told her?  She knows her daddy is sick.  She knows that her daddy is going to get better.  She wakes up and sees me everyday.  We get to play together and nap together (nap is mostly for me now).  I am home when she comes home with June from play dates, classes and shopping.  Maybe she is thankful for all the time I get to spend with her now--  times that I may have missed in the first 2 and half years due to work or life.

Christian Bale in his Oscar acceptance speech thanked his daughter for teaching him more than he could ever teach her.  I feel the same way.  My daughter just taught me how to be thankful for getting cancer.  Crazy.

And now to showcase the latest headgear courtesy of my buddy Steve Rowe and his ever increasing knitting skills:

In case you can't read it, it says:  GIL STRONG

Day 21

Well, my blood work showed up as 9.4%- I needed 1.0% or higher to continue chemo.  PTL.  Day 1 of round 2 went well.  Met another patient on the same treatment but he was on round 1.  We had a good chat.  Thank you Steve and Chris for coming down to hang and pick me up.  Time flew by after that.  No hiccups yet either.  Below is picture I have been promising.

Possible nicknames I have already been called:
Lex Luther (June)
Egghead (anonymous)
Justin Cho (too many people to list)
An uglier Gordon Yip (Gordon Yip)
BJ Penn (that was me--maybe matt w)
Doctor Evil or Mini Me (Andis)
Michael Jordan (no one)

Thank you all for the prayers and support!