Days 73-76

The Wife Speaks (again...behind Gil's back):

Gil's not home. He's out with his buds. Rhys is in bed.  I felt like blogging on his blog since we're in limbo. It gave me time on a Friday night to spend some much needed time in prayer.  I've been distracted lately and caught up with everyday life so I haven't REALLY prayed in a while.  Lots of concerns about the future--Gil's CT scan results and whether we can get on with our lives; the worry of  ever conceiving a child again, etc. Just poured out my heart and deep worries and fears to the Lord.  He's the perfect listener.

And then like a broken dam, tears poured out of me...it was a flood of relief and deep thankfulness to God for sustaining us through Gil's whole chemo treatment.  There were some rough days yes.  But looking back already I can see how much He protected, covered and strengthened us.

Since this all started there was a promise from scripture that I truly believe God was speaking to us as a family to hold on to.  It has consistently come to mind and again tonight:

Isaiah 43

Israel’s Only Savior

 ¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine. ² When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze. ³ 

For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; 

That's it. Gil walked through the fires of chemo, but did not get burned.  God was with us.   He did not suffer the way I thought he would.  I could thank the drugs for that, sure. But ultimately, I choose to thank the Lord.  

Then after that the fears of the 5% chance that things take a turn for the worst came into my head. (Remember, I'm a pessimist by nature.) But then I told God:  "But even if somehow something should go wrong and the cancer comes back or he ends up being terminal, I still have to hold on to hope that "we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."  No matter what, God, even in the face of death, we still have to hope, and hope in You.  What choice do we really have?"          HOPE.  It's the bottom line for all my fears.

Day 67-72 - Final Treatment

Haven't blogged in a while.  I told myself a while ago that I wanted this blog to let people know how I was doing.  Made myself promise to not just blog for the sake of blogging but only when I felt I had something to say.  I spent the last few days resting, hanging with friends and family and finally the big day is here.  Well, I guess one of the big days.  Today is my last treatment.  There are more big days to come.  But tomorrow is the first one I guess.  Then there is the ct scan later in May.  The results.  More scans in months to come.  At the end of it all, you can't live scan to scan wondering if the cancer will come back.  You just gotta live.  I have no idea what the scan in May will say.  I believe that the treatment worked and I have been healed and cured.  But human nature and doubt is a bitch, ain't it?  Spoke to a friend today, who asked how I was dealing with the "post treatment" time.  He asked if the waiting for results would be grinding on my nerves.  I told him that if it did, there would be some dark days ahead.  I'm sure many cancer patients go through that.  The worry, the doubt, the uncertainty.  I hope I learned a little more than that the last few months.  I choose life.  I choose knowledge in knowing that God has given me peace in whatever circumstance that life throws at you.  


About ten years ago, I went on a mission trip to Africa.  I went with my Pastor Darryl, his daughter Nadine and my buddy Dave.  We went hut to hut and told people about Jesus.  That trip changed my life.  I had my video camera with me the whole trip and documented everything on film.  When I came back, I made a highlight video.  It was set to a song by Jars of Clay called Worlds Apart and a song by Third Day called Show Me Your Glory.  Specific lyrics from each of these songs expressed exactly how I felt after the trip. 


To love you, Take my world apart
To need you, I am on my knees
To love you, Take my world apart
To need you, broken on my knees




I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I'll never be the same
Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can't go on without You, Lord
When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won't rest 'til I see You again


There are a few events that happen in my life where I look back and realize that I will never be the same again after what just happened. My world has been shaken or torn apart but for the better.   Some things that come to mind obviously is getting married and the birth of my child.  Add to that list, that missions trip.  And now...cancer.  I know I will never be same.  I even felt that way this Sunday after the most amazing Easter Sunday service at my church.  I felt so moved by everything that happened that I remember saying to myself, wow, I will never be the same after that.  Haha, I used to dread Easter services cause they were so boring, well not at our church.  


I had a date night with June tonite.  We put Rhys to bed and then watched a dvd I rented.  Big date night.  We watched Country Strong- there was this one line of advice in the movie, where Gwenyth Paltrow tells a young up an comer to remember to love as many things as you can, cause that's all that really matters.  I thought that was pretty powerful.  Might add that to my "there's always something more we can do" mantra.  


Will keep everyone posted on the doctors appointments and results as soon as  I get them.  Will announce where the celebration/ post oscars-type bash/ after party will be.  


Peace out dudes (as my daughter would say)

Day 64-66. The beginning of the week

Well the weekend was good but can't say the same for Monday and Tuesday. The drop off from round 4 was tougher than I expected. It's crazy. On one hand, you feel so crappy that you can't get out of bed. Then Rhys crawls into bed beside me and falls asleep and, subconsciously grabs my hand and snores away. I lie there and wonder how I ever would have been able to share these moments had I been healthy.

Wed could not come quick enough. Tue was a blur but now I am back on my feet. Feeling good. The countdown has begun. One more chemo session Tuesday, three more shots from June, one more week of everything tasting like metal. And a clear ct scan in mid May. The road to recovery will be determined by my doctors. I assume it will include a lot of rest and just letting the body heal. I feel like my mind and my soul has had some time to heal in the last little while and it's now the body's turn to catch up. Sometimes it's like having a split personality. Chemo gil wants to sleep all day. Social gil wants to catch up with friends. Coke gil wants to go to work. Funny gil wants to do standup about cancer and my experiences.

 Every morning I wake up and pray and read my devotions and thank God for everything he has done for me and I thank him for so many people that have encouraged me throughout this. Every email, text, card, letter, phone call and just words have truly made it so much easier.  Even times when my buddies would drive all the way out from Port Moody/Coquitlam just to sit with me at chemo and drive me home.

Everyone believes that they are loved and appreciated. But few get to experience love and support like I did. My brother has become my best friend.  My wife and my mom are THE strongest people I know. And my daughter is officially the funniest person in the family because when you ask her what happens when we get an owweee, she says,"Suck it up!"

Day 62 and 63. The Weekend

Best weekend so far of all the day 6 and 7's . Was even able to go to church today.  Thank you Pastor Ken for a great sermon that I am so glad I got to experience live.  Started the neupogen shots again today...boo.  I know, I know, need the white blood cells-  Nurse June had to come out of retirement to stick me with the needle.  Oh well, 6 more shots and 2 chemo treatments and that is it.  I slept pretty much all day on Sat.  Wonder if that is making the difference.  Fatigue definitely a bigger factor this round but the nausea still under control.

Reminder to everyone Easter Service at Tenth Avenue Alliance Church (11 West 10th avenue)  
April 24th- 9:30, 11:30, 7:00pm

We will be at the 11:30 service.

Now back to the canucks game!  As Rhys would say, Go Canucks GO!

Day 61

FRIDAY.  This week flew by and I'm feeling pretty good.  Started reading about chemotherapy recovery. That may not have been a good idea.  A lot of the literature suggested that it is often a difficult time for patients once they stopped getting treatment and waiting for results.  I never even thought about that.  I was just waiting for treatment to be over.  But they say that people often sit in limbo and without the hospital visits, they get depressed and scared. Hmm.  Well, that's not me.  I turned to my devotion this morning and I think I'm going to share the whole thing with you guys.  It definitely spoke to the chemo literature I had read just a few minutes ago.  This is strictly cut and paste from Our Daily Bread:

In April 2010, clouds of ash spewed by a volcano in Iceland closed airports across the UK and Europe for 5 days. Nearly 100,000 flights were canceled and millions of passengers around the world found themselves in an enormous holding pattern on the ground. People missed important events, businesses lost money, and no one knew when it would end.

When our plans fall apart and there is no remedy, how do we deal with frustration and delay? Isaiah 26:3-4 is an anchor for our souls in every storm of life: “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in [Jehovah], the Lord, is everlasting strength.” Whether we’re facing annoying inconvenience or heartbreaking loss, this rock-solid promise is worth memorizing and repeating every night when we close our eyes to sleep.

Today, when plans are shattered, do our minds dwell on the circumstances or on the Lord? During frustrating delay, can we still trust the loving heart of God? In the hymn “Like a River Glorious,” Frances Havergal so beautifully expressed what we long for.

Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.
Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest,
Finding as He promised, perfect peace and rest. —Havergal

When we put our problems in God’s hands,
He puts His peace in our hearts.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You. —Isaiah 26:3

Four Rounds of Chemo

Tons of Drugs

Nausea

Fatigue

How did I handle it?  Pretty good.  Why?  This pic was all the motivation I needed to get through.

Day 60

Blogging from the chair. The beauty of technology. So cancer patients aren't suppose to be complainers. At least I try not to be. But two days in a row I'm in the room with no bathroom and I am so pumped with fluids that I usually have to go pee 8 times during my treatment. It also doesn't help that the everytime I go wheel my IV down to the communal bathroom to pee, it's always after someone has poo'd. Haha. Guess I am complaining. Well. One more day this week TGIF. I don't know what it is about a big Canuck win that seems to be helping me with nausea. Kick save off the post Luongo-are you serious? Sic.

Day 58 and 59

Tuesday and Wednesday done!  Two more sessions this week.  Brought Rhys down today to chemo for the first time.  I figured it was my last round.  She should see where daddy goes to get his owwee fixed.

Then June and Rhys tagged out and left to go home and nap and Chris came in for relief duty and stayed and then drove me home.











Doing a little advertising for Vera's Burgers on Denman.  First place I'm gonna go eat after doc gives me the ok.  Go see my boy Charles- best burgers in town!

Go Canucks Go!

Chemo Countdown- 4 more sessions!

Day 57

I walked into my chemo room with my nurse Sue chanting, "last round, last round, last round!"  It's amazing how in tune they are with our treatments- how we are doing and how much left to go.  They are genuinely happy for us when we near the end of our stay there.  The doctors I see once every 2-3 weeks.  They chart my progress via all the blood tests so it's probably better that I don't see them often.  It means nothing is wrong and everything is going to plan.  The nurses however, I see everyday.  I  don't if it's the chemo drugs that have given me a heightened sense of observation. (or maybe it's because I just saw Bradley Cooper in Limitless)  I notice the same thing about every single nurse that has treated me.  They treat every single patient the same.  Always with a smile on their face and always going the extra mile.  No matter how  grumpy and rude some of these patients are and believe me, not everyone is Mr Sunshine like me.  Makes me think about how I treat people.  I meet not so nice people everyday- I do drive in Richmond for one thing.  I know it takes a special person to work in the medical field.  I don't know if I could do it but I could try to have their attitude- where everyone they meet get their highest level of care regardless.   Wouldn't this also be an example of showing Christ love.  Lofty goals, perhaps...but I think that as I am beginning to round 3rd base and head for home, I am thinking about changes as a person.  Diet, lifestyle and attitude.  Although I whined and guilted June until she bought me a PREMIUM fish sandwich at Wendy's yesterday.  Small steps in the diet area, haha.  It's back to no carbs and veggies this week, yeah.

Day 55 and 56

I don't know who reads my blog.  I have an idea because people tell me that they do.  Seems some of you have alias' or I must have a lot of friends that are gangsta rappers.  Cbo, d-lo, 5speed, big mama, cabin23, upchuck, - you crazy kids with your crazy nicknames.

  I just wanted to extend an invitation to everyone out there in cyberspace to my church's Easter service.  If you don't already have a church service to go to, come out to our Easter Sunday celebration, April 24th.  It would be cool if you came out.  It's called Tenth Avenue Alliance on 11 West 10th Avenue (and Ontario).  We have 3 services- 9:30, 11:30 and 7pm.  June, Rhys and I will be at the 11:30 service.  We sit in the front, right side pews.  I know some of you haven't seen me in a while.  So you can come to church and also see me afterwards.  Coincidentally, Easter Monday, the 25th will be my last chemo treatment.  So celebration is in order and June and I would love to see you and chat.

Tomorrow is the start of day 1 round 4.  Last round is supposed to be the hardest.  I am thinking it's going to be my easiest round.  Attitude is everything.  Knowing it's my last round- I feel good.  Even my 32 hair follicles on my head have stopped falling out.  The words of Chris Tomlin's song, I Will Rise, keep ringing in my head.

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"


Jesus has overcome 
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead


And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise


There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Round 4...FIGHT! (streetfighter reference)

Day 53 and 54

Rhys asked for a baby sister the other day.  Then had a meltdown when I told her that it's gonna have to wait til Daddy gets better.  She was also quite adamant that she wanted to have the baby and not June.  And she was going to eat all her vegetables and strawberries in order to have a baby.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  Seeing as how another kid isn't in the works right now, we will have to be satisfied in having Rhys be a big sister to other people's kids.  Good thing we got lots of babies around.

Medical update:  Saw the oncologist today.  Looks like my body is recovering nicely and ready for round 4.  White blood cell count healthy.  Platelets healthy.  All major organs functioning well.  So I start round 4 on Monday.  Will have my last treatment April 25.  I will then get a CT scan and chest X-ray the week of May 24th.  That's when I find out the status of the lymph nodes and cancer cells in my body.  One thing at a time.  I am just going to concentrate on getting through next week and take it from there.  I want to thank everyone for their continued prayers and thoughts.  We will celebrate my good health soon.  Can't wait.


More than that, "we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."  Romans 5:3-5


I am getting restless, chomping at the bit.  Couldn't help myself.  Went to work today to attend a meeting.  I didn't have to be there- my team can handle it.  They did handle it.   I just wanted to be included, haha.  My partner in crime, D Kam is soon going to have my security pass revoked at the gate to keep me from coming in until I am healthy.  Ah well.  No more work til the doctor says ok.  Well, we'll see.

Day 52

Rhys has a new bedtime ritual. I have to sit in the chair beside her bed and wait for her to fall asleep before I can leave the room. So with the power of the iPhone, I am writing my blog on the rocking chair, while she falls asleep. I don't mind- makes me feel good that she wants me watching over her at bedtime. I use this time to read or play angry birds and sometimes I fall asleep before she does. Kids need the security of knowing that their parents are always there. I can understand that. I realize more and more how valuable this time is in her life. Cancer has given me he opportunity to spend precious time with my kid at such a crucial time of development in her life. My dad had 3 kids and Rhys was the first newborn he ever held. He was too busy working. June asked me the other day if I could say that cancer was the best thing that happened to me. I don't think I am quite there yet but I can say this: There have been many blessings in disguise that have come from being sick. Blessings and experiences that I may never get again. For that I am eternally grateful to this disease.

Here's me getting my final dose of meds for round 3

Round 3- Done (day 50 & 51)

The other day during my church's homegroup get together, the question was asked about what kind of legacy we wanted to leave behind.  As parents, most of our answers surrounded how we wanted our kids to turn out.  Completing my 3rd round and waiting to start my 4th and final round this Monday, I started to think about legacy--for me personally.   Lance Armstrong beat cancer and then went on to win 7 straight Tour de France's.  Many cancer survivors end up running marathons and triathalons and other such things.  I think it's the whole "new lease on life" attitude.  I have no aspirations to win any bike races or any race for that matter.  I feel like many of the changes have happened already during the last few months.  But there is something to be said for me having not a "new" attitude but perhaps a "slightly tweaked" attitude on how I am going to approach life.  I have been giving it some thought.  What should be my "thing" after cancer.  My nurse at chemo today gave me the answer.  She was my first day nurse and I've been in her treatment room the most since then.  We have become friends.  Today we discussed an action plan on how we would tackle the side effects for round 4.  We analyzed what worked for round 1 and 2 and what changed in round 3 that made it tougher.   Factored in the fact that round 4 is just supposed to be tougher regardless and we hatched out a plan.  Then she said, "there is always something more we can do".  She explained that there is protocol and then there is other off treatment things that the emergency ward and the other floors can do for me if the nausea becomes unbearable or if I get an infection.  Anything to keep me comfortable in the last round.  It made me feel good-- made me think about kicking round 4 in the junk rather than having it kick my ass.

There is always something more we can do.   That is what I want to see in my life.  Often times, I know I can do more, but there is always an excuse.  This goes for work, family, relationships, friendships and pretty much all facets of my life.  I am too tired.  I got a kid.  I got a June.  I don't feel like it.  And lately-  I got cancer.   But I know I can go the extra step- whether it be praying for a friend, reading God's word, helping June around the house or just taking the extra time to teach Rhys something rather than just resorting to chucking her up in the air and tickling her.   Sometimes just being there for someone is more.  I don't know if there is any kind of trophy or prize for something like this- I am sure I can get something made up to commemorate.  Perhaps convert an old golf trophy from my father in-law.   Haha.

I know many of you have not contacted me because you want to give me space.  I appreciate it.  But if you wanna chat, let me know, email or text- I got an iphone now- I am ready anytime, anyplace, anywhere.  

The Weekend--Day 48 & 49

Balance.  It's been on my mind a lot.  So much of my life lately has revolved around this word.

Meds:  The doctors and I manually adjust my assortment of anti-nausea meds to counter the chemo side effects.  Coming off the first 5 days of each round, I have to taper off the meds in order to try and get through the weekend.  I don't want to take too much anti nausea because they have their own side effects but I do need them to counter sickness.  I am also on neupogen shots to get my white blood cells up for the next round.

Life:  Right now my life is obviously imbalanced.  I keep thinking about time spent with my family, working, and recreation.  Was I living a balanced lifestyle before?  What changes have I made or will make to live a more balanced life?  As I approach my last round, these are questions I ask myself all the time.  I have been spending time with my friends lately- is it enough? Too much? Not enough?  Is June sick of having me at home yet???


Food:  Even trying to figure out a balanced diet is tricky.  What can I eat? What can't I eat.  Doctors orders, research into cancer treatments, my mom and her oncological mythology- balance, balance, balance.

God:  My pastor gave a great sermon Sunday on spiritual balance.   What God wants for me is also a balanced lifestyle. (it will be available on the tenth website soon, sermon was april 3, 2011- http://www.tenth.ca)


Balance- how many people out there truly live a balanced life.  Are we skewed and slanted in one direction or another?  It's something I am trying to wrap my head around and wondering what changes I need to make in all aspects of my life to bring balance.

Took me a while to get this one out.  Tomorrow is last treatment of round 3.  Yippee!

Day 47

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrIWy42sC6U

Tim Hughes-  Everything

God in my living, There in my breathing
God in my waking, God in my sleeping

God in my resting, There in my working
God in my thinking, God in my speaking

Be my everything, Be my everything
Be my everything, Be my everything

God in my hoping, There in my dreaming
God in my watching, God in my waiting

God in my laughing, There in my weeping
God in my hurting, God in my healing

Christ in me, Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything




My mom and dad tries to be there for me all the time, my brother and sister too.  Same with June.  I try to be there for Rhys all the time.  I can't.  We can't.  We can't be everything to everyone that we want.  But we can try.