Days 73-76

The Wife Speaks (again...behind Gil's back):

Gil's not home. He's out with his buds. Rhys is in bed.  I felt like blogging on his blog since we're in limbo. It gave me time on a Friday night to spend some much needed time in prayer.  I've been distracted lately and caught up with everyday life so I haven't REALLY prayed in a while.  Lots of concerns about the future--Gil's CT scan results and whether we can get on with our lives; the worry of  ever conceiving a child again, etc. Just poured out my heart and deep worries and fears to the Lord.  He's the perfect listener.

And then like a broken dam, tears poured out of me...it was a flood of relief and deep thankfulness to God for sustaining us through Gil's whole chemo treatment.  There were some rough days yes.  But looking back already I can see how much He protected, covered and strengthened us.

Since this all started there was a promise from scripture that I truly believe God was speaking to us as a family to hold on to.  It has consistently come to mind and again tonight:

Isaiah 43

Israel’s Only Savior

 ¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine. ² When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze. ³ 

For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; 

That's it. Gil walked through the fires of chemo, but did not get burned.  God was with us.   He did not suffer the way I thought he would.  I could thank the drugs for that, sure. But ultimately, I choose to thank the Lord.  

Then after that the fears of the 5% chance that things take a turn for the worst came into my head. (Remember, I'm a pessimist by nature.) But then I told God:  "But even if somehow something should go wrong and the cancer comes back or he ends up being terminal, I still have to hold on to hope that "we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."  No matter what, God, even in the face of death, we still have to hope, and hope in You.  What choice do we really have?"          HOPE.  It's the bottom line for all my fears.