Day 84-85

I started this blog so I could update people on my medical condition.  Then it became a therapeutic avenue for myself.  The freedom to share my faith as well as my medical condition.  So to be totally transparent, I have to admit that I had a few bad days last week.  I read about cancer patients getting depressed during the  time span when they finish their treatment and awaiting news.  I laughed when I read that. Although I handled it fairly well (PTL), chemo was still bad and I was very happy that it was over.  I couldn't understand why anyone would be sad that it would be over.  Well, for a few days last week, I began to understand.  I felt a little bit scared because I had my CT scan and have to wait a week for results.  My mind started playing tricks on me.  What if the cancer isn't gone?  Now I know deep down that my life cannot be just about living from scan to scan or living in fear of what might happen.  If the last 80 some odd days have shown me anything, it is that God is so much bigger than this life.
Whether I am gonna be around for the next 40 years or the next 40 days, I have already been changed.

To value and cherish this life but to know that there is more to it than that- and that doesn't change no matter what any doctor says.  The changes in me have already happened and are not contingent on any CT results.  It took a few conversations with June, my brother and some close friends to snap me out of it.  I know it is human nature to expect the worst and the pessimistic side of me creeps out once in a while.  I heard 2 sermons this weekend.  Two different preachers speaking on two different topics but I got the same message from both.  God wants the best for me, and wants me to have a relationship with him- a father and son relationship.  Once that is in place, nothing else will matter.  Not pain, not suffering, not disease.  Faith like a child-  something that Rhys teaches me everyday.  She trusts me as her daddy- trusts that I want the best for her.  She sometimes cries and tantrums because what I want isn't what she wants but at the end of it all, she realizes that I know best.  It just takes some time to see it.  I am patient with her as I expect that God is patient with me when I doubt or question His will for me.


Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. —Psalm 37:3

And now the infamous picture of the the "chamber"